Wednesday, December 30, 2009

To Write or Not to Write

Yes, that is the question I suppose. This week after Christmas has typically been my most emotional week of the year. Add to this year a precocious one-year old, an incredibly headstrong and stubborn four-year old, and an overly dramatic, know-it-all of a seven-year old....oh, and a visit from my mean old Aunt Flo, and it's a bad week to think about writing at all. Yet, here I am, thinking about it. Itching to write again.

This summer and fall, I churned out three short stories and was lucky enough to get them accepted by a small e-publisher. I was ecstatic, actually, since I hadn't written anything substantial in many years. I took the science route when I got out of high school, choosing to study biology. I like lab work. I'm a natural lab rat, being the recluse I am and all.

The past eight years, I've been a full time mama, having decided to take on the hardest and best job in the world back in 2001. Now, though, as my last little one is growing up a bit, I started wanting something different. I've been "just a mom" for so long that I could swear my brain is half dried up sometimes. My brain needs stimulation. It always has, since I began reading at age three.

But, where do I begin my quest, I asked myself, since I'm way in over my head in this mama gig? At first, it seemed simple. I have a Bachelor's in Biology that I got 11 years ago. Why not try for a Master's? I got accepted into an online program and had all intentions of starting in January. Then, I realized how much it would cost. A lot. And my dad's health is deteriorating. And I still have the three (refer to previous descriptions) to take care of. So, that's at least on hold for now.

Then, I've been toying with the idea of teaching high-school biology. So, I've been trying online tutoring to get a little experience and extra money to boot. Apparently, I'm a bit rusty at that whole biology thing, so if I don't improve in the next couple weeks, they're gonna dump me.

The questions that I now ponder are--what should I do now? What CAN I do now? Should I even TRY doing anything else now? Lord knows I have enough housework and childcare to keep me busy 24/7, yet I think the Lord knows too that I need something else. My brain needs something else. And the utter thrill I got from writing those three stories AND getting a positive response from them has me wanting more of that.

I've always loved reading and writing. I once was an avid reader. The bookmobile used to stop by my house as a kid in the summer, bringing me Victoria Holt and Stephen King novels. I wrote a lot of poetry and English was one of my best and favorite subjects in school. So, did I take the wrong path in choosing science after all? Is writing really my true passion?

I envy those who have known all along where they belong and have followed out their dreams to reality. Here I am approaching my mid-thirties, and still trying to decide what to be when I grow up. I know that I love writing. It's fun as heck to develop a storyline and see it through to an exciting, happy ending. Yet, what if I fail miserably and never publish another thing? What if I can't find any time to write because of my three "distractions"? Will I resent them for keeping me from it? Will I resent them if I don't TRY?

Here is where I stand, this final week of 2009. And I'm revamping my old blog just for now. Maybe this will be my writer's blog. I hope I can find reason to add to it. I hope I can find time to write. I hope I have found my true passion in life. I hope I can still be a good wife and mama in the process. I hope...

2 comments:

singmehome said...

Great to see you back on here!!! Just so you know, I am a 36 year old who still doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up. Degree in Psychology here...almost made a career in banking. Doesn't make sense. Been out of the work force for right at 3 years.

Misty said...

Bryan and I agree that we're having mid-life crises :) Or we're half-nuts from being parents. Either way, it's a brain-drain. Hope we'll make some sense of it soon.